Those few seconds:
Stuttering has never been easy for me. It’s been such a challenge to try and figure out how to say what I wanted. As a kid, I would go into a social situation, thinking “this is gonna be brutal – everyone is either:
- gonna think I’m weird, or
- will think I’m not making sense, and
- won’t get what I’m trying to say.”
Also, at least for me, it’s the few seconds before you stutter where the panic sets in. You’re like “oh no, here it comes”.
I know I’m very clever – proving it is harder:
I think I’m very clever – if only you could hear the soliloquies I am rhyming off in my head. I have good insights – I did sociology in school, and love to talk about how the world works, why people do what they do, and reflect on situations.
However, my insights on the world often get lost to people when I try to voice them – because of my stutter. Just after those few seconds where I feel a block in my vocal cords coming on, my beautiful phrase comes out in pieces, and not all together, so it’s hard for people to understand.
But I really do have good insights – and those soliloquies in my head are fantastic. If only I could transfer them to others – if only I could press a button and play a recording of the voice in my head for people, so they can hear it clearly.
I’m also a jokey person. I love humour and sharing puns and riddles. In this regard, all I want is for people to laugh when they are supposed to – because it means that they understand my joke.
But delivering the punchline isn’t easy when, after those few seconds where you feel a stutter coming, you have to repeat the first syllable 7 times, or get s t uck on the sounds and the word comes out broken and not coherent.
So – we’ve established. My thoughts often come out in an un-clear way.
Feeling like the odd one out:
I went to speech therapy throughout my teenage years. I even did a few end-of-term speeches, and had excellent speech-language pathologists, like Kara, Lina and Caroline.
However, despite the positive support from adult figures and good friends growing up – some of whom pretended that they couldn’t come to an end-of-term speech, then lovingly surprised me by all showing up, and even making a movie about it and my journey – still, I’ve always kind of felt like I am the odd one out.
I feel less confident, less put-together and less cool; those long seconds where everyone is staring at me and I’m repeating a letter – after my “oh no” moment – makes me feel out of place in the social setting.
Sometimes – not all the time, but sometimes – I feel people shift, from “I’m genuinely interested in this conversation and think this person’s cool!” to “I’m nodding my head respectfully because it’s the right thing to do.” And this is what can make me feel out of place.
I felt this a lot more as a kid and in high school – where hallways were buzzing with five billion options of who to talk to and people were passing by left and right, yet someone was standing still, trying to make out what I was saying because I stuttered on the last word of what was supposed to be a quick conversation; the longer I was there, the more I felt their attention and interest slip.
Then came (still comes) the head nod and non-descript “yeah, totally”, and off they go into the sea of people.
Stopping to listen is the socially acceptable thing to do, but doesn’t always make me feel like I am valued in the same way as other peers, if the genuineness and engagement isn’t there to accompany it.
My first Canadian Stuttering Association conference:
In November 2024 I went to my first stuttering conference with the Canadian Stuttering Association and Association bégaiement communication, in Montreal, Quebec.
I can’t explain just how nice it was to walk into a room and not feel that sense of isolation with my speech.
On the contrary – here, at the “Our Voices Matter” conference, when I started talking and my stutter came out, I felt accepted and like I was part of the community.
I am looking forward to going back next year and am glad I found this community to feel part of and socialize in a comfortable setting. What was so interesting to me, was the variety of stutters – I didn’t realize it, but everyone stutters differently! Some people block for longer, some people whisper out words – it’s incredible! I didn’t realize this.
There were many workshops, including some networking and get-to-know-you workshops as well as a workshop on singing (because you don’t stutter when you sing!!).
I’m looking forward to moving forward with this community and continuing to get to know folks in it.
Thank you for making my experience with my speech all-the-more-meaningful; I have been told “you aren’t alone” in terms of my stutter, but I don’t think I really, truly, realized it until I went back to my hostel on Sunday night after the conference, sat down, and told myself that.