My parents have told me that I didn’t say my first word until I was three years old. When I was a child, I knew I didn’t talk like other kids and I initially believed there was something wrong with my vocal cords. At some point I learned that my stutter is genetic, having been passed down from my father’s side of the family. His stutter is a bit different from mine, and his twin brother also stutters.
Growing up
As I grew up, I found how harsh and cruel the world can be. I was relentlessly teased by my peers, teachers, and even some family members. It made me ashamed of my speech, and I desperately wished I could speak like other people. I eventually built a wall around me to keep people out; I figured that if I didn’t speak, then people wouldn’t know about my stutter and thus they wouldn’t laugh at me. I’m in my late thirties now, and that wall is still up. My stutter is the main reason why I prefer to write my feelings rather than speak them. Writing is incredibly liberating, and I encourage you to start it. It can be something as simple as a journal. In school I was in the Primary and Junior Language Classes respectively, and it was in the latter that I met my late husband. While I still sometimes wish I didn’t have my stutter, deep down I am grateful to have it because I know that otherwise we wouldn’t have met.
Saying my name
Throughout my life, my speech has been up and down. There were times where I was quite fluent, and other times I would struggle with almost every word. One of the most frustrating aspects of my stutter is saying my name, because I often struggle to speak it. This is something we talked about at the Montreal conference in November 2024 (more on that in a minute), that people who stutter sometimes get stuck on their name and how it feels when those listening make a comment about it. People think they are being funny when they remark “How do you not know your own name?” but as we all know, it stings. It stings a lot. I have always struggled to stand up for myself because I don’t like confrontation, thus when someone has made fun of the fact that I apparently don’t know my own name then I often don’t say anything. I recall one time, though, I had had enough. A fellow educator joked that I couldn’t remember my name, and after taking a few minutes to calm my nerves I approached her and said that I stumbled on my name for a moment because I stutter. She was incredibly apologetic, and it felt good to stand up for myself for once and make people aware of stuttering. Please, do not be afraid to speak up. Trust me, I know it’s scary. Maybe even terrifying. Remember that you have a voice, and you have a right to be heard.
Stuttering conferences
In the mid 2010’s I attended a one-day stuttering conference with my late husband. It immediately peaked my interest, and I made connections that I still have to this day. In 2022, the Canadian Stuttering Association (CSA) announced a three-day conference would be held that autumn in Niagara Falls. I was very excited to attend. Let me tell you, it was one of the best weekends of my life. To be surrounded by people who know exactly what it’s like to stutter is one of the most freeing and amazing emotions you can have. There was zero judgement. We were patient with each other, everyone had an opportunity to speak if they chose to (there was no pressure whatsoever), and I met people that I am still friends with today.
Supportive people who truly understand you
I have been fortunate enough to attend two more CSA conferences, in Ottawa (2023) and Montreal (2024) respectively. If you have the opportunity to attend a stuttering conference, I implore you to do so. These conferences are absolutely spectacular. You are with supportive people who truly understand you. There are a variety of workshops that appeal to everyone, whether you’re a speech-language pathologist or a parent of a child who stutters or a person who stutters. Some of these workshops are presented by people who fall into the latter category, and it is inspiring to see their courage of getting up and talking in front of people (something a lot of people are scared or nervous to do, whether they stutter or not). In addition to the workshops, there is a banquet dinner and many networking opportunities.
I cannot stress this enough: if you’ve ever felt alone in the world, if you want to be surrounded by others who won’t judge you and who will listen to every word you say...please attend a CSA conference. It is a cherished memory you will hold on to for the rest of your life.
In closing, I hope you remember these words: you are loved, and you are valid.